“Queer” Guys

“Queer” Guys

Guys try to pick me up by telling me they’re queer. [This happens all the time. All the time. All the time.] When I was 23 (and 24 and 25 and 26 and . . .) I used to think that was kinda hot. Ah, they see me, I thought in that way that I do when I’m hungry to be taken seriously and scared that I never will be.

But I am aging out of my Amateur Hour (thank the holy heavens) and I now I’m trying this on for size…a guy can’t call himself queer unless he’s craving to suck some dick [1].


Don’t get me wrong, a guy doesn’t need to actually suck dick, or have sucked dick, or even necessarily plan to suck dick. I get it, people are in all sorts of complicated relationship contortions that make it impossible for dick sucking to happening. But a dude’s gotta crave it.


Here is a list of things I will no longer accept from “queer” guys, now that I am no longer in my Amateur Hour:

  • “I kissed a guy once at a party.”
  • “I’m queer cause I’m poly [unsaid: exclusively with ciswomen].”
  • “I’ve never made out with a guy, but I’d like to.” [Continues to exclusively date ciswomen, some of whom are queer]


Dear readers, this is a new one. What do you think?

[1] Queer guys don’t have to be cis, nor do they have to crave sexy time with other cis dudes. ‘Dick’ here is really dick, but it can be a stand in for any kind of queer sexual desire. However, dick =/= sexual desire for a cis woman (even if she’s queer af).


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