Guys try to pick me up by telling me they’re queer. [This happens all the time. All the time. All the time.] When I was 23 (and 24 and 25 and 26 and . . .) I used to think that was kinda hot. Ah, they see me, I thought in that way that I do when I’m hungry to be taken seriously and scared that I never will be.
But I am aging out of my Amateur Hour (thank the holy heavens) and I now I’m trying this on for size…a guy can’t call himself queer unless he’s craving to suck some dick .
Don’t get me wrong, a guy doesn’t need to actually suck dick, or have sucked dick, or even necessarily plan to suck dick. I get it, people are in all sorts of complicated relationship contortions that make it impossible for dick sucking to happening. But a dude’s gotta crave it.
Here is a list of things I will no longer accept from “queer” guys, now that I am no longer in my Amateur Hour:
- “I kissed a guy once at a party.”
- “I’m queer cause I’m poly [unsaid: exclusively with ciswomen].”
- “I’ve never made out with a guy, but I’d like to.” [Continues to exclusively date ciswomen, some of whom are queer]
Dear readers, this is a new one. What do you think?
 Queer guys don’t have to be cis, nor do they have to crave sexy time with other cis dudes. ‘Dick’ here is really dick, but it can be a stand in for any kind of queer sexual desire. However, dick =/= sexual desire for a cis woman (even if she’s queer af).